The Women of Beacon of Life

On Wednesday evening, I had the opportunity to meet some amazing women. These women are a little different than most women we define as amazing. Usually we identify women such as Oprah, Meryl Streep and (depending on your political leanings) Sarah Palin/Hillary Clinton as amazing women. And certainly they are. But last night I met women like Susan (yes, these names have been changed), who was homeless and a recovering alcoholic; Jennifer, whose drug addiction caused her to “give up” her nine children for adoption, but who just completed her GED, is working, volunteering in her community and working towards her CNA; women who have been victims of domestic violence, have been homeless, and have been convicted of various crimes. But these women, against what looks like insurmountable odds, are battling back. They are taking responsibility for their lives, they are learning new skills that will help them be successful, and they are working hard to turn their lives around. It’s not easy for them, and some may not make it. Their definition of success may be vastly different from most people’s, but they are, day by day, working toward that success.

These are the women who live at Beacon of Life, a non-profit transitional housing center for women. It’s structured and it holds women accountable, but it is also a safe place to land. It’s a roof over their heads and food on the table, but even more than that, it’s a place to go when there is no other place to go. A place to rebuild lives in a supportive environment.

If you get a chance, go take the tour, send them a check, join a committee, or have fun at the Quiz Bowl (a quarterly fund raiser)! Go take a look at http://www.beaconoflifedm.org/.

Places like the Beacon also help the rest of us put our life and problems in perspective, and remind us to be grateful for all the blessings we have in life. Your responsibility, like the women at the Beacon, is to live your own amazing life.

Creating Your Life

We’ve all heard the phrase, “The best way to predict your life is to create it.” But if that’s true, why don’t we all live fabulous, fulfilling lives? Wouldn’t we all “predict” a life of abundance and joy? The hard part, of course, is the “creating” piece. How do we create the life we truly want?

Although it sounds obvious, the first step, which most people (my younger self included) skip completely, is determining what, exactly, it is that we want. We often drift along, taking opportunities that are given to us, but never really pursuing the things we want, and never putting into place a specific plan for achieving those goals.

If you could “start over” or even start from where you are now, and choose to be, do and have whatever you wanted, what would you choose? If you were writing the most audacious Christmas brag letter about your past year, what would it say? If you could stifle that inner critic, and let your inner hero speak from your heart and your head, what would she say?
It can be scary to think this way, because you’re afraid of the disappointment when you “realize” you can’t do those things. But what if you could? How exciting would that be? Would you need external motivators to get you out of bed in the morning to live your life?

You learned to dream big as a child, then had that pounded out of you by “reality.” But wouldn’t it be more fun to turn those big dreams into your reality? To create that life instead of the one you’ve settled for?

Is your focus on winning or not losing?

I just finished T. Harv Eker’s book, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind. I strongly urge you to read it if you haven’t yet. Although it’s clearly about making money, many of the principles apply to other areas of life, so even if you’re as rich as Oprah, you can still gain valuable information from it.


One quote that struck a chord with me was this: “Rich people focus on what they want, while poor people focus on what they don’t want. What you focus on expands.” He also says, “Rich people play the money game to win. Poor people play the money game to not lose.” Although this sounds like arguing semantics, it’s actually an incredibly significant difference, both in mentality and outcome. I realized that I was someone who was trying very hard not to lose, and that I was focused on how much money I lacked. Because what I focus on expands, I was getting a whole lot more of “not enough.”

This mental habit is something I “inherited” from my childhood experiences, and is very difficult to change. General consensus in the scientific community is that it takes 21 days to change a habit, although others believe it takes at least 90 days to really solidify the new habit. But because it is a habit, the good news is that it can be changed.


What about you? Are you focusing on what you want (abundance, joy, success), or on what you don’t want (to be broke, to lose your job, etc.)? What habits do you need to change to get back on track?

A Planner Succumbs to Action!

I am a huge planner – sometimes to my detriment. I say that because sometimes I spend so much time planning, that I never get around to doing. When I decided to start my own business, however, I decided things were going to be different. I did plan, but not to the death of the business. The interesting thing is that the focus of the business has evolved fairly significantly over the short year it’s been open, but only because I was actually working on it, and talking to people. Had I just tried to plan the business as it is now, it would never have gotten to this point. Clarity and focus required questions and input from new people, not closed up in a room by myself.

I also vowed to take advantage of opportunities that came up along the way, even if they weren’t part of the original “plan.” If I thought it would move me closer to my goal, I did it. Even if I was scared, even if it was different from anything I had done before, I did it. Although I haven’t reached my goal yet, things are definitely moving forward at a much faster pace than I might have expected.

What about you? Have you found that once you “committed” to your goal it has brought things into your life to support the achievement of that goal?

Accountability

I once was the director of a small non-profit. We provided transportation for (primarily) senior citizens. One of our clients “James,” was very difficult. So difficult, in fact, that even my very best drivers refused to drive him, for a variety of reasons. My staff dreaded his calls, because he constantly changed his numerous appointments, creating a scheduling nightmare.

When it became apparent that we were not going to be able to continue to serve him, I sent a letter outlining the difficulties we had had with him, and reminding him that we had visited about these issues before, without resolution.

Interestingly, when he received the letter, he became very angry. He accused me of lying, of assaulting his character, and stated that I was the only one with whom he had a problem. At no time did he ever consider that he might bear some of the responsibility for the drastic step I had taken. None of it was “his fault.”

If we blame other people or events for our failures, we miss out on the chance to grow. Blaming others suggests that if the same situation came up, minus that other person/event, we could behave in exactly the same manner and be successful. Although this may be true sometimes, it is important to recognize what we did or did not do that contributed to the failure. If we do this, then when the situation comes up again, we can correct our own behavior and increase our likelihood of success. And, of course, we can’t control anyone’s behavior but our own anyway.

Are you taking responsibility for your mistakes and doing your best to correct them, or are you allowing denial to keep you from growth and a better, more rewarding way of doing things?

Failure can be a good thing

Remember the good ol’ days when our parents let us fail? If we failed a test, our parents didn’t rush in insisting that the grade be changed or we be given a second chance. If we misbehaved in school, our parents didn’t call the principal and insist it was the teacher’s fault, and ask that our punishment be lifted (or argue that it was too harsh). We always kept score in sports, and if we didn’t win, our parents didn’t try to placate us by buying ice cream afterwards. Nor did they yell “good job” when we swung at, but missed the ball by a country mile. No, they had the audacity to suggest that perhaps we needed to practice more!

We have gotten to the point where we never let our kids fail – and this is a bad thing, for a number of reasons. Failure can be a really great teacher, especially with its negative consequences.

Failure also does a great job of discouraging kids from developing a sense of entitlement, because they know they won’t always get their way, especially if they don’t work hard to achieve their goals.

Finally, it’s better to learn how to deal with failure as a child when the consequences are not typically as dire as they can be when you fail as an adult.

Losing and winning are a part of life. If you don’t allow your kids to lose or fail (and experience that completely), you are doing them a disservice. It’s better to let them fail honestly, and then teach them how to get back up, dust themselves off, and try again. Self-esteem and self-confidence come from real achievement, not from a phony “good job!”